Needs List

The Needs List

95% of all conflicts in relationships are the result of unconscious and/or unexpressed needs. So, it only makes sense to make known to oneself and one’s partner precisely what one’s needs are. The following tool does this and points out where it is most important for a couple to focus their work.

  1. Both partners write a complete list of everything they need from the other person and are not getting to their satisfaction, plus everything they are getting that they don’t want.
  2. Prioritize the list, putting the most important item first, and being especially mindful to get the top 10 needs in their proper order.
  3. Share your lists with each other. Go down the lists in order of priorities. Tell each other whether or not you can commit to each item on the other person’s list. When you get to an item you cannot commit to, this is where you need to begin your work. Also, if you commit to an item, but cannot honor that commitment consistently, this is another place that needs your attention.

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